Living with Body Odor

I was 12 when I started having armpit odor. Back then, I was still able to smell my own odor, however, being a child and uneducated about "body odor" I did not start using deodorant right away. So I spent the last few months of my elementary life shying away from the people around me. I know no one's interested with how I spent my childhood but I was pretty extroverted yet shy growing up. I would join almost every competition in school that involves a lot of physical activities like dancing and sports but I stopped when I started having odor. Looking back now, I realize that my personality seem to have drastically changed over time due to my condition. I know most of you, like me, have experienced being bullied because of  your body odor. And I'm sure all we did was try our best to fake a smile and ignore every hurtful word they tell us as if we don't already know. Despite the bullying, I was still able to make many friends and even though I was fully aware of their reactions when I'm around I still loved hanging out with them and I know they loved me too.

When I turned 13, I finally understood the necessity of wearing a deodorant. The first deodorant I used was alum powder. It's a very common deodorant here in my country so it was easily accessible at any stores. The alum powder helped alleviate my odor during the first few months unless I have sweat too much. After a while, the odor started becoming stronger and the alum powder I used was no longer working for me. I then changed to using Rexona deo-lotion and it helped! But guess what? It also stopped working after a few months but despite that fact I still continued using it because it was the only deo I could afford. I never really asked my parents to buy me stronger deodorants as a teenager because I was ashamed of asking. Although, they were aware of my body odor. As the years passed, I grew more awkward and shy around other people. I no longer exerted that much effort in my studies and rarely joined any competition because my self-esteem went downhill at that point. I majored in Psychology when I got into college. The first two years were nerve-wrecking yet fun at the same time because I was surrounded by really funny people but all of us didn't have the same courses. I rarely worried about my odor then because most of my classes were during the afternoon or at night. Those friends and I separated when I was finally in my 3rd year since we had different majors. I only had few friends during my last 2 years in college. They were nice but I know most of them only used me because I was a pushover. Whenever they needed help with school work or needed a buddy they could cheat on during exams my stupid ass would always say yes. But when I was the one who needed help, which by the way was a rare occurrence, they rarely helped me. I'm still grateful for them though because they still considered me a friend and made my college life fun but unfortunately I was the only one who graduated on time.

The first job I had was a non-voice CSR position in a BPO company. It was a fairly easy job so I didn't constantly worry with how I did back then. The first team I was assigned to was the funniest group of friends I ever had. I know they knew of my body odor but they still accepted me and would always ask me to hang out with them. The time I knew they hated how I smelled was when I was talking to a friend and he told me how pretty I looked BUT then he said "only if you didn't have an odor." I literally wanted the ground to swallow me that time but looking back now, I actually prefer it if my friends were more upfront with me about it instead of constantly talking about me behind my back. After a year, I resigned and started working for a manufacturing company as an Administrative Assistant. But I had to resign after 2 months because I needed to review for the board exam for Psychometricians and thankfully I passed. (Thank you, RGO!) The real battle began when I started my third job as an Admin Staff. Back then it never really occurred to me that my body odor was going to affect, not only my career, but my social life as well. Everyday at work I had to endure constant stares, whispers, name-calling, people avoiding me, and backstabbing. It was such a nightmare that I cried almost everyday hiding inside the bathroom or telling them I had to meet with a friend during lunch break because I know they didn't want me around. Everyday was a battle I had to face without a shield. I had no one to talk to so I joined support groups on Facebook to maybe find people who would understand what I was going through and I did. They were caring and their words were very encouraging although they weren't enough to stop me from quitting my job. I needed psychological healing so I resigned, took a break from social media, and started drawing again. But the first few months of being unemployed, the pandemic, and the things I went through really took a toll on me. I got depressed, I had constant suicidal thoughts that I had to fight almost everyday, I started hurting myself, always had bouts of anxiety and no one knew what I was going through. I kept it all inside me and didn't share the real reason why I was depressed to my closest friends. I knew none of them would understand since most people don't really have sympathy towards people with this kind of condition. And the most unfortunate part in all this was all those mental health issues I went through made my body odor even worse. 

To this day I still am healing but compared to how I was last year, I can say that I'm much better than before. I have opened up to a friend about my odor (he has known about it ever since we were in high school) but he laughed at me. I kind of expected his initial reaction since it's in his nature to easily judge other people and he has made fun of me before about my odor. Weird as it may sound to you but that was the reason why I had the courage to tell him the truth. Because he has always been upfront with me about it and never hesitates to tell me even though he bullied me many times before. LOL. It actually helped ease my constant overthinking because he started becoming more thoughtful with his words and would always give me advice. Now, I am able to go out again and sometimes hangout with a few friends but only for a short period of time. And all this I already consider small achievements. The normal things that I was doing almost everyday of my life before, I now perceive as small achievements. I hope and pray that one day all the things I'm going through would end and that I may finally find happiness.

Thank you for taking your time reading this. If you need any advice or just someone you can talk to please leave a comment and I will email you my personal information. Keep holding on! There's more to life than our struggles. :) 

 

Love,

Selina xoxo